I have been a Christian all my life—that’s 25 years. Since I believe Scripture, I know that homosexuality is sin. You may be wondering, "How does a Christian end up gay?" I’ve wrestled with that question most of my life. There are several good books and organizations which could explain better than I … I couldn’t possibly generalize and condense the "homosexual struggle" into this short paper. I can, however, share briefly from my experience.

My parents divorced when I was four. I remember all the times my father hit me or hit someone else in my family. He had been having an affair and finally chose to leave us for the other woman (who eventually divorced him). I remember saying to myself, "I will never be like him." That statement contained deep implications. As a four-year-old, I couldn’t separate infidelity and abuse from the appropriate, Godly aspects of what it means to be a man. I had equated my father and his sin with masculinity. As a result I rejected it all.

In the following years there were no strong Godly male role models who took the time to draw me out and explore the hurt and emptiness that my father had left. My mother remarried a Christian man. He was very quiet and introspective. As a little boy I translated that to mean that he didn’t want me—that I wasn’t interesting enough, or maybe I was too dirty. Perhaps I thought that whatever I did to push away my first father was too much for my second. As it turned out, he loved me a great deal, and he still does. He just didn’t know how to reach me.

I attended a Christian liberal arts college, which included both good and bad experiences. Although things are a little different now, at that time homosexuality was not openly discussed in classrooms, chapels or anything sponsored by the college. In fact, the only place I heard anything about homosexuality was from friends and other students. Usually, the opinions ranged from disgust to hatred. I felt alienated; there was no place for somebody like me who struggled with "that."

By the time I graduated I had reached a point where I thought I would explode. All my feelings had been bound up for so long. I was unable to express anger appropriately. I found myself pushing formerly close friends away.

I had my first homosexual experience one summer during my college years. It was exhilarating and nauseating all at the same time. On one hand, I felt accepted and cared for, but on the other hand I knew it was wrong and destructive. I had made the decision to sin, but I felt as though I was a slave to my emotions. I had a taste of what I thought love was and it was like sweet poison to my spirit.

A couple of people told me about Malachi. I told God that this had to be it. I had fought so long what seemed to be insurmountable, that I was ready to give in if this didn’t work. After graduation I moved to Rochester and contacted representatives of the Malachi Ministry. I began counseling and within a couple of months, I started attending the weekly support group.

The chief purpose of the Ministry is to encourage, teach, and foster growth in a real relationship with Jesus Christ. I recently have been experiencing first hand the transforming power of the Holy Spirit. For this I am grateful to Brighton Presbyterian Church, of which I am now a member, and to everyone associated with the Malachi Ministry, but most especially to God who was and is faithful to complete the good work He started in all of us.

Through God’s strength and the leading of the Holy Spirit I have been able to share my struggle with my parents. Thankfully, they both received the information well. With God’s grace I hope to be able to continue to sort through parts of my childhood and more recent events, to decide what to hold on to and what to let go.

Before I close I need to make a couple of points.

First, I strenuously need to make the point that I never chose the homosexual orientation. There were many abusive situations, misconceptions, and confusion growing up which helped set me on a track which I believe would have destroyed me.

Second, I did choose to sin, whether it felt like I had a choice or not.

Third, people who struggle with homosexuality are a group of people whose voices are rarely heard. We seem to be caught between two radical opinions: the radical gay agenda and the equally radical condemnation of homosexuals, those who believe we deserve to die. (We all have fallen short of the glory of God and so we all deserve death. We all need to depend on God’s mercy.) In between, there are also some more conservative, yet equally alienating points of view which are based on ignorance and/or embarrassment. I am taking advantage of this opportunity to say that I reject the radical gay agenda which seeks special rights and privileges to people in the gay lifestyle. I consider homosexuality sin and sickness. Therefore, I think it would be a mistake to accommodate it. I also feel betrayed by fellow Christians who reject the biblical perspective on this issue and for one reason or another have decided to declare homosexuality not only legitimate but pleasing to God. Those who would hold this view devalue Christians who earnestly seek truth and deliverance from the Lord. Don’t ignore us.

My fourth and most important point is thanks to God’s grace, Jesus’ redemption and the transforming power of the Holy Spirit, the weight of any oppression—in this case, homosexuality—can be lifted. There is hope!

I am still tempted sometimes to return to the homosexual lifestyle. My hope is in the Lord. I sometimes fall. My hope is in the Lord. I was depressed, beaten and hopeless, but my hope is in the Lord. I was dead and filthy in sin, but the Lord washed me and redeemed me and my life is in His hands.

Kyle is a member of the Malachi Ministry and an active member of Brighton Presbyterian Church.